being single in Ottawa : ep 2 (dating app review - free version of Bumble pt 1)

the dating series continues....

I’ve been in marketing for 10+ years now. I like to believe because I genuinely like my craft this has given me an insight on people (because in my opinion my business is the people business).

I know I’ve been ready to start dating for a while now. What I didn’t have energy for was to do the round of world of online dating. I instead chose to start my dating life here in Ottawa on going to events and look into dating events (see my substack on Secret RSVP here).

As you may have guessed, I have officially ventured back into the world of online dating. Specifically, Bumble. I was on Hinge for 2.5 seconds at the beginning of March and hopped off immediately as I had booked a speaking event and I had forgotten that I left my Hinge profile alone vs deleting it and starting new (a MASSIVE mistake for that app but I’ll get into that another time).

Back to Bumble. In the past (before it was more pay to play forward), I had great *success on the app previously. So this vs Hinge was going to be the place that I start.

writers note : I determine success on a dating app when I’m able to meet people that I find interesting even though it may not end in a relationship.

Before I continue - I’m driven to preface a few things;

1. I “grew up” with the online world like many of us. I also think I’ve been exposed to some very dark parts of it (worked in gaming) and therefore, I practice safety and my well being above all.

2. Until I MEET someone, I have no expectations. It’s all words. While words can be extremely powerful (she says writing on her substack), I want to see action. I’m really not looking for a penpal. Good segway to…

3. I’m looking for my person. I’m looking for my partner. I’m looking for someone for me, Jess, and Shaun to retire with. I’m “dating to marry”. BUT…

4. I know for a fact that not everything happens overnight, partnerships are grown over time, and most importantly not every relationship is meant to be forever. What this means is…

5. We might only have a few dates before we think it’s not going to work. Again, I have no expectations on the end result. This sounds contradictory because I’m looking for my person but in my head it means I’m not in a rush. I rather us take our time together and figure it out.

6. I know many people have ill intentions and not everyone is truthful ABOUT their intentions. I’m blunt to the point of severity at times (I balance it with compassion) and if I get even a HINT that you’re here to fuck around. Boy bye. You’re not even gonna have time to “find out”. I have a lot of patience until I have FUCKING none.

Cool? Cool.

Now that we got most of our i’s dotted and t’s crossed, we can move on. After a… pandora’s box of a thread’s post asking for dating apps myths. I was sincerely inspired to write this. For everyone really, cause some of the responses I got were… fucking WILD honestly.

And let’s be real for a second. Most of these “hot takes” were from men. Shit like the following screenshots.

I REALLY wanted to ask him about the whole “want more” and “will accept less” business but I honestly when I read that my brain shuts off. I would also LOVE to see WHERE he got this “data” he brings up. Cause I also call bullshit but you know I don’t have that data either so. We’re at a standstill.

^ this guy was my “favourite” of the day. I’ve read A LOT of shit in my day that is DEVOID of any empathy he would get the cake of the day. Congrats dude.

^ this guy put in EVER as an asterisk and… well my data shows that he is INDEED mistaken. I’ve actually yet to open with “hi” (or the like) ONCE since being on the app.

I also had another guy post an article (BEHIND A PAYWALL) about how “men don’t get matches”, the article was from a man in France over 5 years ago. So take that as you will.

So that was ermmm the first round of responses. But you know… I opened pandora’s box so I can’t be mad that I opened it. Unfortunately, due to the responses I DID get my originally intended article is going to take a pause while I gather a little bit more insight. So let’s talk about Bumble as an app and as an experience on the free version.

Let’s talk my profile details so it’s transparent.

I’m 35, I identify as a cis-woman with she/her/hers pro-nouns. Here’s my profile;

a video of me walking across the canal

Some of my basic back end filters;

1. Age - 28-50

2. KM - Originally had it as 80k (which was the auto setting and I’ll get into THAT in a moment)

3. Looking for - men

4. Current interests - concerts, stand up, foodie, camping, reading

I do not have any advanced filters currently on or anything else.

I’m not going to be talking about what I do/don’t swipe right/left on *yet. Although, I think that is an important element, I want to keep this more about THE app and the free version experience. Obviously, everyone’s experience will vary. Which is why I DID include my own profile. To my matches and those I’ve unmatched with (or ones that have unmatched with me) this isn’t about you or speaking about/to you as a human. These are observations.

writer’s note : I will get more into that another day. I do want to be a little bit more objective with this piece as pretty soon ALL objectivity will get thrown the fuck out. So… yeah

I downloaded and started my account last Saturday, as of yesterday I’ve matched with 29.

Out of 29. I’ve started 25 of those convos. Yes, that’s accurate.

Out of 29, I’ve had 16 conversations.

Out of 16, I’ve gotten 5 date offers. I’ve officially accepted 1 but I do plan to accept may 2-3 more depending on how they respond. Not all date offers has been given my number and they may not get that opportunity. I may keep them on the app and assess from there.

Out of 16, I’ve given my number to 2. 1 of them has asked me on a date. The other one has not. Not yet anyways.

I do plan to show this data a little bit more thoroughly. Is that something you would like to see? Let me know in a comment.

Point of interests

I’m not swiping for hours. Honestly, I’m swiping for 10-15 minutes (yes, I have a timer so I know this is accurate) a day. If that. Tuesday I swiped for just over 6 minutes and Wednesday I swiped for 5 (again, I have a timer so this isn’t hyperbole).

I’ve “run out of bees” 2x on the app. Both times I had 500+ “likes” and both times Bumble wanted me to change the KM’s on my profile. I was initially very confused. How have I run out of people when I have 500+ people liking me. So I changed my KM’s. Each time I changed it, I was given more matches. The first time I did a little more, this last time I decreased it and so far I haven’t hit a weird threshold again.

I’ve never run out of people I’ve swiped yes to. I think a lot of this comes from being mindful about swiping and how much/little time I’m actually doing it.

I know at some point I’m going to start unmatching dead conversations, more for my own organization purposes. Not because I think these men are bad people or anything.

My review on the free version of Bumble…

It functions exactly as I’m used to and kinda exactly as I expected. I filter people, people filter me. That’s dating. Not every conversation/interaction I have is going to lead to date. Not every person that asks me out is going to get to go out with me. Most conversations I have, I expect to fade into the background. That’s humans. That’s being human. Maybe it stopped cause of them, maybe it stopped cause of me. I don’t find that “traumatic” like some people do and I definitely don’t have any strong feelings when conversations die.

I think what does have me more curious is getting some of these data bits. See these conversions breakdown definitely excites me as a marketer and I do wish I had started my dating spreadsheet (yes, I have a spreadsheet going LOL. Data-driven marketer) sooner when I had originally “started dating” officially in Ottawa. Not that it was exciting. But I think it’s interesting tidbits to have and add as I continue my journey.

I also recognize my own privileged in this situation. I know I’m a good looking lady, I can carry a conversation, I’m introspect, I’ve got things going on, AND I’m on there with the intention to actually date. I’m not on Bumble for validation or attention. I’ve been told (at fucking length) that it’s hard for men to get matches. To this I say, I feel for you. I do, even the ones that commented where I had genuinely wondered if y’all are okay, I do hope you heal and find love and community in healthy ways.

Love isn’t reserved to romantic notions. It’s also found in community, in friends, in the relationships we build with others and ourselves.